Declares State of Emergency Over Eclipse-Crazed Tourists Niagara Falls, Ontario – Niagara Region has declared a state of emergency for Monday April 8th, 2024. But fear not everyone! This existential threat isn’t an alien invasion or a rogue double-sun situation. No, the culprit for this drastic measure? A measly little solar eclipse. Apparently, the moon […]
Offering Homeless People Jobs as “Professional Beggars” Windsor, Ontario -In a groundbreaking move that has raised a few eyebrows, Windsor City Councilor Fred Francis has unveiled a plan to tackle the city’s homelessness crisis. His solution? Embracing the age-old adage of “pulling oneself up by the bootstraps” by offering homeless individuals the opportunity to become […]
Summit with the Flock Coming to Windsor! In a move that has raised eyebrows and feathers alike, Windsor City Councilor Kieran McKenzie has proposed an unconventional solution to the city’s persistent Canada geese problem: a summit with the geese themselves. Faced with mounting complaints from residents about the increasing presence of Canada geese in public […]
Funding Arts with Spare Change from City Couch Cushions In a move that has left Windsor residents wondering if they’ve entered an alternate universe where priorities are made of Play-Doh, Mayor Drew Dilkens proudly announced the city’s allocation of a whopping $59,000 in arts and culture grants. The decision comes hot on the heels of […]
Introducing The Sox & Pox Parties: A Celebration of Contagion Move over, Princess parties, step aside, Superhero bashes. The hippest trend in social gatherings for your little disease-adventurers is here: The Sox & Pox Parties! That’s right, folks, it’s time to ditch the sterile and embrace the spectacularly infectious with a multi-pathogen extravaganza your kids […]
Montreal, QC – In a move guaranteed to warm the hearts of shareholders, the Bank of Montreal (BMO) has unveiled its latest innovation, BeMO-9000, an AI-powered service bot specifically designed to handle fraud complaints. “We understand that fraud can be a frustrating experience,” said BMO’s Head of Customer Non-Interaction, Bartholomew Madeoff. “That’s why we’ve developed […]
Extending Gas Tax Cut to Combat Climate Change Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced today an extension of the gas tax cut until the end of 2024. The decision, touted as a measure to ease the burden on Ontario drivers, has been hailed by the government as a stroke of genius in addressing climate change. Canadian […]
In a move that sent shockwaves through the Fleet Street fraternity, Kensington Palace announced that Princess Catherine, the very picture of public engagement, has requested privacy during her cancer treatment. This, of course, has thrown the world’s most dedicated documentarians of royal hair flips and fascinator choices into utter disarray. “Privacy? From Kate Middleton?” gasped […]
Brace yourselves, Canadians! The answer to our skyrocketing energy bills and ever-present climate guilt has arrived – the Canadian Carbon Cashback Caper (working title)! That’s right, our forward-thinking government is thrilled to announce a revolutionary program designed to ease the sting of rising costs while simultaneously saving the planet, one measly cheque at a time. […]
Seeks to Take it to New Heights Windsor, Ontario – In a not so surprising turn of events to locals, Windsor has been crowned the undisputed champion in the realm of municipal complaints, earning the coveted title of “Most Complained About City” in Canada. Far from being dismayed, city officials are wearing this label as […]
The World’s Largest Ball of Twine (Maybe) The energetic city of Windsor, Ontario, is proud to announce its latest landmark – a monument so awe-inspiring, so utterly bizarre, that it’s sure to leave visitors scratching their heads in befuddlement: The “Windsor Wonder,” a giant ball of twine! Standing resolute (and slightly lopsided) at the foot […]
Themselves In a hilariously ironic twist, the Ontario Ministry of Red Tape Reduction finds itself grappling with its own bureaucratic nightmare as it attempts to rein in the province’s worst offenders: the Ministry of Children, Community and Social Services’ Autism Program and the Attorney General’s Landlord Tenant Board. Adding insult to injury, the Ministry of […]
