In a move that sent shockwaves through the Fleet Street fraternity, Kensington Palace announced that Princess Catherine, the very picture of public engagement, has requested privacy during her cancer treatment. This, of course, has thrown the world’s most dedicated documentarians of royal hair flips and fascinator choices into utter disarray.
“Privacy? From Kate Middleton?” gasped veteran paparazzo Barry “Binoculars” Bigglesworth, clutching his heart (which, ironically, required a triple bypass last year – a story the Palace inexplicably refused to comment on). “But how will the public cope without their daily dose of impeccably coordinated school runs and balcony waves?”
The press corps is facing an existential crisis. Without access to Kate’s meticulously curated public life, what nuggets of “royal relatable” content will they offer the ravenous public? Can they survive on crumbles of Prince William’s stoicism alone?
Several desperate tactics are being considered:
- Drone Diplomacy: A fleet of miniature drones, adorned with miniature fascinators for a touch of panache, will be deployed to discreetly (discreet-ish) hover outside the Palace windows.
- Psychic Liaisons: Renowned psychics are being consulted to “channel” Kate’s inner monologue during her treatment. Expect headlines like “KATE REVEALS: ‘I REALLY MISS MY FAVORITE HAIRDRESSER!'”
- Royal Lookalike Hunger Games: A nationwide competition is underway to find the ultimate Kate Middleton impersonator. The winner will be tasked with recreating mundane daily activities, like grocery shopping (obviously at Waitrose) and picking up Prince George from polo practice (while wearing a pristine white dress, even if it’s raining).
So, the world waits with bated breath (and a healthy dose of skepticism) for any glimpse of Kate during this private time. After all, even a battle with cancer can’t completely derail the insatiable public appetite for meticulously crafted royal narratives.
It’s not news… but it’s relevant.