“Don’t Worry, Be Happy” says Mayor
Former City of Windsor engineer Chris Nepszy is suing the city after being fired for his unwavering commitment to … well, negativity. Nepszy, a man whose disapproval could curdle milk at room temperature, is taking the municipality to court over what his lawyer is calling a “blatant violation of common sense.”
The trouble began with Mayor Dilkens’ ambitious “Don’t Worry, Be Happy!” wellness program, a series of initiatives designed to make even the most nightmarish aspects of city life seem downright delightful to all. Programs like “Bury the Bone” (which could conceivably bury or delay vital infrastructure project costs in obscure reports so as to not stress taxpayers), “Parking Pleasures” (purportedly a euphemism for keeping elected officials and their supporters happy), and the ever-popular “Roadworks Roulette” (which can allegedly divert resources to repave someone’s favourite street…again) all rubbed Nepszy the wrong way, or more accurately, left him with a permanent frown etched on his face.
The final straw came during a particularly disastrous pothole crisis. While city officials were busy unveiling a new line of “Pothole Pals” plushie toys (adorable little creatures shaped like sinkholes with a smile), Nepszy, bless his grumpy heart, was busy crunching numbers and highlighting the funding shortfalls that led to the crisis in the first place. Needless to say, his “Debbie Downer” routine didn’t go over well with the rosy-glassed Dilkens administration.
“The man is a walking raincloud!” stated Mayor Dilkens at a press conference held beside a freshly power-washed (but still very much under construction) road in Ward 1. “We’re building a city of sunshine and lollipops here, not a haven for negativity! A little optimism never hurt a new sidewalk or road, that’s what I say!”
Nepszy’s lawyer, Howard Levitt, a leading Employment lawyer in Canada, paints a different picture. “They’re trying to turn city planning into a kindergarten finger-painting session,” he argues. “Chris is a brilliant engineer with a healthy dose of skepticism, a quality sorely lacking in this administration.”
Opinion in Windsor is divided. Some cheer Nepszy’s lawsuit, longing for a return to the days of brutal honesty in municipal reports. “Maybe if someone had pointed out the problems with the ‘Bury the Bone’ program earlier, our roads and sidewalks wouldn’t be on life support,” grumbled one taxpayer waiting in line for a permit renewal. Others, however, side with the city’s sunshine crusade. “A little positivity never hurt anyone,” chirped a woman wearing a “Roadworks Roulette” fanny pack (rumoured to be filled with free parking tokens).“ Maybe Mr. Nepszy just needed a hug and a lollipop!”
Break out the anti-depressants, butter and popcorn Windsor. No matter how this trial proceeds, Windsor residents will need a hefty supply of both.
