Declares State of Emergency Over Eclipse-Crazed Tourists
Niagara Falls, Ontario – Niagara Region has declared a state of emergency for Monday April 8th, 2024. But fear not everyone! This existential threat isn’t an alien invasion or a rogue double-sun situation. No, the culprit for this drastic measure? A measly little solar eclipse.
Apparently, the moon – that celestial party crasher – has the audacity to block the sun for a whole two minutes on April 8th. This has sent Niagara Falls into a frenzy, with officials predicting a tourist apocalypse of epic proportions. Up to a million visitors are expected to descend upon the city, armed with selfie sticks and questionable fashion choices.
“We’re bracing for an unprecedented meltdown of epic proportions,” declared Mayor Jim Diodati, his voice trembling. “Imagine, a million people all vying for the perfect Instagram shot! The horror!”
Officials are taking drastic measures. The city’s stock of ponchos (essential eclipse-viewing attire, apparently) has been tripled. Extra porta-potties are being airlifted in, and a hotline has been established for those experiencing existential dread during the brief moment of darkness.
Meanwhile, enterprising locals are cashing in on the chaos. “Guaranteed-view eclipse lawn chairs – only $19.99!” blare signs lining the tourist traps. Survivalist shops are reporting a surge in sales of bottled water and emergency blankets (because, you know, the sudden lack of sunlight might cause hypothermia).
But amidst the panic, a glimmer of hope. Local astronomers are offering “Eclipse 101” workshops, desperately trying to educate the masses that the world won’t actually end.
So, will Niagara Falls survive the Great Eclipse Gathering of 2024? Who knows, but one thing’s for sure: this celestial event promises to be a total eclipse… of sanity.
It’s not news… but it’s relevant.
